How Disney's Moana Has Helped Me Grieve

Last year just a few days after Easter my younger brother and only sibling ended his life by suicide. The days following hearing the tragic news, I spent surrounded by my friends and family. I felt like I was drowning. I could not eat, I could not sleep, I could not do anything but cry. I cried while I was in the shower, I cried on my husband’s shoulder, and I cried while trying to sip my coffee. My body felt like I was wearing fifty-pound sand bags. So heavy, like I was moving in slow motion through quick sand. I could barely recognize the woman I saw when I peered into the mirror. I had sallow skin, my eyes were swollen and encircled with a black ring. I absolutely could not believe it, and I am still and struggling to come to terms that I will never see my brother again. 

I truly believe in signs. Maybe you do too? Maybe you see something that reminds you of your loved one, or maybe it is a song that comes on the radio when you are feeling particularly blue. Because family and friends were visiting sunrise to sunset following the days after my brother died we started letting our then almost three-year-old watch Moana in my parent’s basement for what feels like a million times. He was feeling particularly enthusiastic about the movie as he had received it days earlier in his Easter basket. We did not typically let him watch much tv but in this moment it was our saving grace. I quickly memorized every damn song in that movie but there was one that resonated with my so deeply that I cried even harder every time I heard it. 
Here are the lyric to Moana's, "You know who you are"...

I have crossed the horizon to find you
I know your name
They have stolen the heart from inside you 
But this does not define you
This is not who you are
You know who you are 

 During this scene the ocean parts and the lead female character Moana starts walking towards the evil fire monster. She explains that this moment does not define him. She gently presses her forehead in his to show acceptance and forgiveness. 

 I am getting teary just reading the lyrics and listening to the song again. Because as I sat there on my parent's couch with my husband and son I said over and over to myself, "This does not define you." This was not who my brother was and this small moment in time does not define him as a person. This gives me great peace. This moment in the movie is extremely powerful and emotion filled. I feel like this was my sign to remember and honor my brother for the truly amazing man that he was. I love you Alex.

An Apology to My Friends and Family

This year has possibly turned me into the world worst communicator and an even worse organizer than I previously was. Hell, I even bought TWO, yes two of the same presents for my son for Christmas. I bought them, wrapped them, and placed them underneath the same Christmas tree. It wasn't until we were unwrapping them Christmas day that I had realized it. Thankfully there was so much going on he didn't even notice. What I am trying to say is that my mind is running on overdrive. My anxiety is causing me to run a marathon that has no ending.
No one likes to talk about mental illness for the fear of judgement, for fear of fulfilling some stigma, or maybe because they are in denial. Maybe you think people will assume you are weak, or unable to cope with the struggles of life. How can you face what's going on without bringing it to the forefront of your life? It really is ok, to not be ok. The sooner you face your struggles the sooner you can work through them. Since my early teenage years  I have struggled with anxiety and depression. This for the most part I outgrew into adult hood and was able to function without medication or even a second thought to what it previously was. This was until Alex died. Since then my anxiety has reared its ugly head. It makes it challenging for me to organize my thoughts, to get things done, to be productive, to make plans with anyone, or heaven forbid I have to go to a place with a lot of people. Hell  if we are being honest it makes it a challenge to even leave my house on a daily basis. I am working with a wonderful doctor and think I have finally found something that is starting to work. That being said, I haven't been the best friend, daughter, cousin, niece, granddaughter, and employee that I wish to be. Please be patient with me. 
If I don't answer your call, text, instant message, voicemail, or email its not because I don't love you or want to talk to you. 
If I cancel plans at the last minute or say that I can't do something it's not because I don't want to see you. 
If you sent me a Christmas card and I did not reply its not because I wasn't grateful. 
I've missed the opportunity to see my best friends baby, and I'm missing a dear friends wedding this week. I feel so guilty. My lack of communication probably makes it seem like I don't care but I do care, I do love you, and I'm sorry. Please don't stop calling, don't stop texting, don't stop loving me. And most importantly please don't stop saying Alex's name. Its because of you all that I have the strength to persevere, grow, to have hope, and to choose joy.