An Apology to My Friends and Family

This year has possibly turned me into the world worst communicator and an even worse organizer than I previously was. Hell, I even bought TWO, yes two of the same presents for my son for Christmas. I bought them, wrapped them, and placed them underneath the same Christmas tree. It wasn't until we were unwrapping them Christmas day that I had realized it. Thankfully there was so much going on he didn't even notice. What I am trying to say is that my mind is running on overdrive. My anxiety is causing me to run a marathon that has no ending.
No one likes to talk about mental illness for the fear of judgement, for fear of fulfilling some stigma, or maybe because they are in denial. Maybe you think people will assume you are weak, or unable to cope with the struggles of life. How can you face what's going on without bringing it to the forefront of your life? It really is ok, to not be ok. The sooner you face your struggles the sooner you can work through them. Since my early teenage years  I have struggled with anxiety and depression. This for the most part I outgrew into adult hood and was able to function without medication or even a second thought to what it previously was. This was until Alex died. Since then my anxiety has reared its ugly head. It makes it challenging for me to organize my thoughts, to get things done, to be productive, to make plans with anyone, or heaven forbid I have to go to a place with a lot of people. Hell  if we are being honest it makes it a challenge to even leave my house on a daily basis. I am working with a wonderful doctor and think I have finally found something that is starting to work. That being said, I haven't been the best friend, daughter, cousin, niece, granddaughter, and employee that I wish to be. Please be patient with me. 
If I don't answer your call, text, instant message, voicemail, or email its not because I don't love you or want to talk to you. 
If I cancel plans at the last minute or say that I can't do something it's not because I don't want to see you. 
If you sent me a Christmas card and I did not reply its not because I wasn't grateful. 
I've missed the opportunity to see my best friends baby, and I'm missing a dear friends wedding this week. I feel so guilty. My lack of communication probably makes it seem like I don't care but I do care, I do love you, and I'm sorry. Please don't stop calling, don't stop texting, don't stop loving me. And most importantly please don't stop saying Alex's name. Its because of you all that I have the strength to persevere, grow, to have hope, and to choose joy.