How Disney's Moana Has Helped Me Grieve

Last year just a few days after Easter my younger brother and only sibling ended his life by suicide. The days following hearing the tragic news, I spent surrounded by my friends and family. I felt like I was drowning. I could not eat, I could not sleep, I could not do anything but cry. I cried while I was in the shower, I cried on my husband’s shoulder, and I cried while trying to sip my coffee. My body felt like I was wearing fifty-pound sand bags. So heavy, like I was moving in slow motion through quick sand. I could barely recognize the woman I saw when I peered into the mirror. I had sallow skin, my eyes were swollen and encircled with a black ring. I absolutely could not believe it, and I am still and struggling to come to terms that I will never see my brother again. 

I truly believe in signs. Maybe you do too? Maybe you see something that reminds you of your loved one, or maybe it is a song that comes on the radio when you are feeling particularly blue. Because family and friends were visiting sunrise to sunset following the days after my brother died we started letting our then almost three-year-old watch Moana in my parent’s basement for what feels like a million times. He was feeling particularly enthusiastic about the movie as he had received it days earlier in his Easter basket. We did not typically let him watch much tv but in this moment it was our saving grace. I quickly memorized every damn song in that movie but there was one that resonated with my so deeply that I cried even harder every time I heard it. 
Here are the lyric to Moana's, "You know who you are"...

I have crossed the horizon to find you
I know your name
They have stolen the heart from inside you 
But this does not define you
This is not who you are
You know who you are 

 During this scene the ocean parts and the lead female character Moana starts walking towards the evil fire monster. She explains that this moment does not define him. She gently presses her forehead in his to show acceptance and forgiveness. 

 I am getting teary just reading the lyrics and listening to the song again. Because as I sat there on my parent's couch with my husband and son I said over and over to myself, "This does not define you." This was not who my brother was and this small moment in time does not define him as a person. This gives me great peace. This moment in the movie is extremely powerful and emotion filled. I feel like this was my sign to remember and honor my brother for the truly amazing man that he was. I love you Alex.

2017: The Begining of The End

Today is New Years Eve....On any other year I would be looking back on all of my traveling adventures, memories, and new beginnings in life. There would be joyous feelings of nostalgia intertwined with bittersweet memories. But today I sit here in my living room, alone. The only sound I can hear is the occasional crackling from the fire in my wood stove. I'm scrolling Facebook reading  about how everyone had the absolute best god damn year of their life. There are stories of birth, of engagements,  of weddings, of family fun, and everything in between. I am happy for them. I truly am, but I cannot relate right now. I feel strangled and trapped by my grief for my brother. Because this is the beginning of the end..... 2017 will be the last year I heard Alex's voice, it will be the last year I held his clammy hand, the last year I felt his heartfelt hugs, and ultimately the last year he was living on this earth. I miss him. Sometimes I feel like its been a lifetime since I've seen him. And yet I cannot believe its already been over eight months since he died. How can that be? How can I still feel such as immense amount of pain? Suicide is so incredibly hard to understand. I think it takes on a new level of grief for those that are left behind. As humans we have become custom to cause and effect situations. What caused my brother lose his life to suicide? I don't know, and I never will. We are left with a spinning wheel of what-ifs and whys. Don't get me wrong the year has not been all bad. I am watching my son grow up to be an amazing little boy and I am taking on some new and exciting endeavors. I decided that tomorrow I will wake up and make the conscious choice to be happy. Alex would want me to be happy. That doesn't mean that I can't still be sad sometimes but it means that I will wake up everyday and choose joy. I will choose hope. Because without hope there will be no future.