How Disney's Moana Has Helped Me Grieve

Last year just a few days after Easter my younger brother and only sibling ended his life by suicide. The days following hearing the tragic news, I spent surrounded by my friends and family. I felt like I was drowning. I could not eat, I could not sleep, I could not do anything but cry. I cried while I was in the shower, I cried on my husband’s shoulder, and I cried while trying to sip my coffee. My body felt like I was wearing fifty-pound sand bags. So heavy, like I was moving in slow motion through quick sand. I could barely recognize the woman I saw when I peered into the mirror. I had sallow skin, my eyes were swollen and encircled with a black ring. I absolutely could not believe it, and I am still and struggling to come to terms that I will never see my brother again. 

I truly believe in signs. Maybe you do too? Maybe you see something that reminds you of your loved one, or maybe it is a song that comes on the radio when you are feeling particularly blue. Because family and friends were visiting sunrise to sunset following the days after my brother died we started letting our then almost three-year-old watch Moana in my parent’s basement for what feels like a million times. He was feeling particularly enthusiastic about the movie as he had received it days earlier in his Easter basket. We did not typically let him watch much tv but in this moment it was our saving grace. I quickly memorized every damn song in that movie but there was one that resonated with my so deeply that I cried even harder every time I heard it. 
Here are the lyric to Moana's, "You know who you are"...

I have crossed the horizon to find you
I know your name
They have stolen the heart from inside you 
But this does not define you
This is not who you are
You know who you are 

 During this scene the ocean parts and the lead female character Moana starts walking towards the evil fire monster. She explains that this moment does not define him. She gently presses her forehead in his to show acceptance and forgiveness. 

 I am getting teary just reading the lyrics and listening to the song again. Because as I sat there on my parent's couch with my husband and son I said over and over to myself, "This does not define you." This was not who my brother was and this small moment in time does not define him as a person. This gives me great peace. This moment in the movie is extremely powerful and emotion filled. I feel like this was my sign to remember and honor my brother for the truly amazing man that he was. I love you Alex.

Don't Let Suicide Define My Brother

In April of 2017, my younger brother and only sibling, Alex lost his life to suicide. Suicide has so many negative associations, which only increase the stigma. Yesterday I saw a picture on Facebook that had inspirational signs posted in a front yard. One said, “your mistakes do not define you.” I read this over and over to myself.  This statement really resonated with me. Suicide does not define someone. My brother was a lot of things but here is what he was not…

He is not a criminal.  My brother is not a criminal. He did not commit a crime so please stop saying that he “committed suicide”. Many suicide survivors would prefer that you say, “died by suicide” or “lost their life to suicide.”  Even though I choose to say my brother lost his life to suicide does not mean it holds any ground on who my brother was as a person.  My brother doesn’t deserve to be remembered this way and neither does your loved one.

He is not a coward. There is a stigma around suicide that people who lose their life to suicide are cowards and that they could not cope with life. That is a completely unfair analysis. You will never know the internal struggles of another human being and it’s probably pointless to try. I actually think my brother was very brave. If you’ve been depressed before you know how truly debilitating depression it can be. Depression can make you feel hopeless and that things will never get better. Depression is painful both physically and mentally. My brother fought the good fight, and he is not a coward. My brother was a First Lieutenant in the Army National Guard and he was brave. Any one who makes a choice to fight for their country should be honored. End of story.

He is not unintelligent. My brother graduated from a well-respected university, was a Biochemist, a 4.0 student, and a human encyclopedia of interesting facts. If he didn’t know the answer to something he would figure it out. In high school being the naturally curious man that he was he decided to read the Book of Mormon not once, but twice because he had a close friend that was of Mormon faith and was simply interested in learning more. He had no intention of converting religions, he was just a very curious person who was always learning. My brother was smarter than most people I know and will probably ever meet.  He was working for Amgen, was making strides as a leader in the military, and had the world at his fingertips. Just because he made one poor choice does not mean that he wasn’t absolutely brilliant. We all make mistakes and if you don’t think so you might want to take a long hard look in the mirror.

He is not unmotivated. My brother was very physically active. He prided himself on staying healthy and in shape.  He worked out every day and sometimes twice a day. He did his best to eat a healthy diet, and was always researching the best work out supplements and exercise routines. Nothing stopped him from going to the gym. Even when it was snowing you could see him out in the driveway digging out his truck so he could get his kickboxing workout done. This is a young man who graduated college while juggling duties of a fraternity, and the Army. He was everything but unmotivated.

He is not cold or unkind. My brother was a young man with an old soul. He knew no stranger. Alex was everyone’s friend. He always greeted you with a smile and his signature cheeky wink. He was jovial and always knew how to have a good time. He was there when you needed him and you could always depend on him. His jokes could keep a room of people roaring for hours. His hugs could take your breath away. They were warm, strong, and sincere. When Alex died a young woman reached out to our family to tell a story about how she moved in her pre-teen years to his middle school and was terrified to be the “new girl”. It was Alex that greeted her and treated her like an old friend.  He made her feel special, and less alone. This was kind of person he was.  Alex was kind, loving, charming, and handsome. This is how I will remember him.

He is not an introvert or unsocial person. In fact, he was quite the opposite. Alex was popular all throughout school. My brother enjoyed being around people, and people loved being around him. His personality was infectious and people were naturally drawn to him. This was evident by the 1,000+ people that attended his funeral. Yes, that is one thousand human beings came to pay their respects to my brother.  There was of course our family but individuals from not only from our

hometown but from around the country. There were military brothers, his fraternity members, and hundreds of his friends. Let me tell you, he deserved it.

Suicide does not discriminate. Its affects all races, social, and economical groups. So, before you spread negative associations about suicide stop and think about all of the beautiful things that your loved one did. Because their mistakes do not and will not define them as a person. Not today, not ever.

Five Things You Think and Feel When You Lose a Sibling to Suicide

1. You immediately start to think of all of the "I'll will never(s)..." I will never get to see him get married. I will never get to see him become a Father. I will never get to be an Aunt to his children, or be the "Cool Aunt" I had hoped to be. I will never get to see him succeed in his career. I will never get to see him live his life to his full potential. I will never get to grow old with him. 
Its easy to overlook all of the beautiful memories we do have together, and the amazing childhood we shared. Because when you are standing in the waters of grief up to your elbows you cannot possibly see the beauty in any situation. This is normal. Don't rush your grieving process. It will come and will transform when you least expect it. There will be good days and there will be bad days, and that's ok. 

2. Overpowering fear. Pure, bull bodied, paralyzing fear. Could this happen to me? Could I wake up one day and decide I've had enough?  Why did this  happen? After all, how could someone who was so popular, handsome, jovial, successful, charming, and thoughtful take his life? I think the answer to this is even more complicated than we could comprehend. A lot of Sibling Survivors ask, "Could this happen to me?" I think the short answer is probably not. And even though there is a link to suicide in families that doesn't mean you will follow the same path. 

3. Will my parents be ok? My parents are some of the strongest people I know but, after my brother died I wondered how our once 4-legged table of a family  would stay upright when one of the legs were missing. There has been some tipping and unwavering moments but we have not fallen. I'm not sure if they will ever be "Ok", but they are slowly learning to live their lives in a "new normal". Does that mean there aren't days were they can't get out of bed because they pain is just too much? No. It means they are doing the best they can with what they have. Everyone handles grief differently, and no two people follow the same path of grief. Be gentle with yourself and with your parents. 

4. I don't have any living siblings. Now what am I supposed to do without my brother?  Does this mean I am an only child? I don't know but its terrifying as all hell. Those words break my heart more I could ever tell you. My best advice is to build a support network. No one in the world will ever replace your sibling, but people who love you can make your journey through life more graceful. I keep in regular contact with my brother's best friend and am looking forward to seeing him get married this summer. We wrote me a letter for my birthday last year to tell me that he will always be here for me in the absence of my brother. It meant so much to me. My sister in- law has been nothing short of an amazing blessing for me these passed few months. I don't know what I would do without her. She constantly goes out of her way to support me and show me that she loves me. Having her as my "sibling" has made my dark situation tolerable. Surround yourself with people who love you and you will be surprised what will come of it. 

5. The funeral is over, and all of the constant check ins from friends and family have stopped. Now what? This is another common topic. When something happens your community, family, and friends flock to you during your time of "need". What I don't think people realize is that just because three, six, nine months or even years have passed doesn't suddenly mean you don't need support anymore. And in some ways you may need more support now than you did immediately following a tragedy. Shock wears off with time and true grief starts to set in. Try to keep yourself busy and find something that you are passionate about doing. Filling my time with giving back to the community and doing random acts of kindness make me happy. I raised almost $4,000 for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention last year and hope to be involved on a volunteer level this year. Find support groups either online or in person. Its unbelievably soothing to talk with someone who "knows how you feel." Healing takes time and grief is never truly over but taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do. 

Mommy, how far away is Heaven?

Chancellor and I were in Estes Park for the 4th of July last year just like I had spent almost every 4th of July since I was a little girl. I have very blissful memories of Alex and I running around Lake Estes and having KFC picnics with our parents and their good friends Patty and Jim.  I had a few close friends over to celebrate good ole Independence Day at my grandparents cabin.  All of the kids were sprinting around and splashing  in water buckets and the adults were busy barbequing a feast fit for a king. You could say it was a very stereotypical summer celebration. The next day after the festivities I cleaned the house, and started to pack up our bags to go home. As I was headed into the house to get the last bag  Chancellor was standing in the doorway. I smiled and him and he looked at me very worried. "Did Uncle die?" A felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. A million thoughts raced through my head. Did he over hear someone talking about Alex? Does he know what that means? What the hell should I say?! So I quickly decided I wanted to always be honest, but wanted the information that he receives to be age appropriate. I bent down so he could see my eyes and softly said, "Yes. Uncle died, but you don't have to worry about him because he is safe now and he is in heaven."  He didn't ask more questions that day, and I can't tell you how relieved I was.
I'm sure you are wondering, "Didn't he go to the funeral?" No. He did not go to the funeral, nor the rosary, nor the viewing. The biggest reason being that at the time he did not understand what dead means. He had no conception of death, or what the true finality of death meant. I did not feel like it was appropriate to expose him to something that he simply could not understand. The other reason was that I did not want him to worry about me. I was an absolute wreck the weeks following Alex's death. I couldn't eat, I couldn't remember to drink water, and I could not stop crying. When I did finally sleep my husband said I cried the entire night. I could literally feel my heart splitting in my chest. I didn't want Chancellor to see me like that. Allowing a babysitter to watch him during the services gave me the energy to focus on my parents and focus on my own grief. Taking care of a toddler is challenging while trying to grieve.
Days have passed and the seasons have changed, but Alex is still gone. My Mom made a picture album filled with smiling pictures of Chancellor and Alex together. They really thought the world of each other. Chancellor looks at the album often and we talk about what they were doing in each picture. He knows that his Uncle was brave, strong, played the guitar, was a sucker for saying yes, and was the world's BEST wrestler. I will do anything to keep his memory alive for Chancellor, because Alex deserves that. 
New Year's Eve brought out the fireworks in full force in my neighborhood. There was explosion after explosion for hours. Every time I would hear a BANG, my heart sank. I hated it.  Chancellor was scared too and asked if he could come cuddle in my bed, and of course I obliged. The fireworks continued for the next couple of nights and like clockwork Chancellor crawled into bed with me. 
This morning as I was getting out of the shower Chancellor was still laying in my bed. He sat up and said, "Mommy, how far away is heaven?" Curious to what he was thinking I said, "Its very far away. Why do you ask?"  He explained that he wanted to see his Uncle and if we could just go visit him in Heaven that we could tell him he needs to go to the doctor. And if he goes to the doctor then he won't be sick anymore and he can come home. Right? I could feel my entire body move while I let out a sigh of heartbreak   "No baby he can't come home and I am so sorry."  Lord knows, I wish it was that easy. There my sweet blue eyed baby sat so innocent and naïve to the evils of this world wondering what in the world he had to do just so he could visit his Uncle. Explaining Heaven and not being able to see someone he so much loved and cherished is difficult. As he grows things will start to come together and make more sense, and when that time comes I will be here to answer all of the hard questions that will come along with it. In the meantime I will be forever grateful of the strong relationship that Chancellor and Alex shared, and that we will always have him in our lives. Either on Earth or in Heaven, our love remains the same. 

An Apology to My Friends and Family

This year has possibly turned me into the world worst communicator and an even worse organizer than I previously was. Hell, I even bought TWO, yes two of the same presents for my son for Christmas. I bought them, wrapped them, and placed them underneath the same Christmas tree. It wasn't until we were unwrapping them Christmas day that I had realized it. Thankfully there was so much going on he didn't even notice. What I am trying to say is that my mind is running on overdrive. My anxiety is causing me to run a marathon that has no ending.
No one likes to talk about mental illness for the fear of judgement, for fear of fulfilling some stigma, or maybe because they are in denial. Maybe you think people will assume you are weak, or unable to cope with the struggles of life. How can you face what's going on without bringing it to the forefront of your life? It really is ok, to not be ok. The sooner you face your struggles the sooner you can work through them. Since my early teenage years  I have struggled with anxiety and depression. This for the most part I outgrew into adult hood and was able to function without medication or even a second thought to what it previously was. This was until Alex died. Since then my anxiety has reared its ugly head. It makes it challenging for me to organize my thoughts, to get things done, to be productive, to make plans with anyone, or heaven forbid I have to go to a place with a lot of people. Hell  if we are being honest it makes it a challenge to even leave my house on a daily basis. I am working with a wonderful doctor and think I have finally found something that is starting to work. That being said, I haven't been the best friend, daughter, cousin, niece, granddaughter, and employee that I wish to be. Please be patient with me. 
If I don't answer your call, text, instant message, voicemail, or email its not because I don't love you or want to talk to you. 
If I cancel plans at the last minute or say that I can't do something it's not because I don't want to see you. 
If you sent me a Christmas card and I did not reply its not because I wasn't grateful. 
I've missed the opportunity to see my best friends baby, and I'm missing a dear friends wedding this week. I feel so guilty. My lack of communication probably makes it seem like I don't care but I do care, I do love you, and I'm sorry. Please don't stop calling, don't stop texting, don't stop loving me. And most importantly please don't stop saying Alex's name. Its because of you all that I have the strength to persevere, grow, to have hope, and to choose joy. 

2017: The Begining of The End

Today is New Years Eve....On any other year I would be looking back on all of my traveling adventures, memories, and new beginnings in life. There would be joyous feelings of nostalgia intertwined with bittersweet memories. But today I sit here in my living room, alone. The only sound I can hear is the occasional crackling from the fire in my wood stove. I'm scrolling Facebook reading  about how everyone had the absolute best god damn year of their life. There are stories of birth, of engagements,  of weddings, of family fun, and everything in between. I am happy for them. I truly am, but I cannot relate right now. I feel strangled and trapped by my grief for my brother. Because this is the beginning of the end..... 2017 will be the last year I heard Alex's voice, it will be the last year I held his clammy hand, the last year I felt his heartfelt hugs, and ultimately the last year he was living on this earth. I miss him. Sometimes I feel like its been a lifetime since I've seen him. And yet I cannot believe its already been over eight months since he died. How can that be? How can I still feel such as immense amount of pain? Suicide is so incredibly hard to understand. I think it takes on a new level of grief for those that are left behind. As humans we have become custom to cause and effect situations. What caused my brother lose his life to suicide? I don't know, and I never will. We are left with a spinning wheel of what-ifs and whys. Don't get me wrong the year has not been all bad. I am watching my son grow up to be an amazing little boy and I am taking on some new and exciting endeavors. I decided that tomorrow I will wake up and make the conscious choice to be happy. Alex would want me to be happy. That doesn't mean that I can't still be sad sometimes but it means that I will wake up everyday and choose joy. I will choose hope. Because without hope there will be no future.